In law problems

[jakeandsophiesmom]

Before I start I would like to say that I really do get along with my in laws (really I do!). The past few years I have been closer to my SIL's than I have my own sister. The problem right now is my mil. My DH and his mom are not on speaking terms b/c she absolutely will not take the time to include us or our kids in her life. We lived the past three years not a mile away from her and she visited us on two occasions, she claimed before we moved there that she could not come see our DS play baseball b/c it was too far to drive (20 minutes) and when we moved, his ball field was 2 miles away and she came to two games in the four years he has been playing there. She showed up three hours late for the last bday party we invited them to, this year she hasn't even called either of our kids on their birthdays. When we moved twice in three months, she did not call to check on us, offer help, nothing. Going back even further, she called my DH on the morning of our wedding to tell him she would not be coming. In her defense, she did raise five kids as a single mom and is entitled to have her life now. Now DH has called her in the past and been the one to step up and let bygones be bygones. This time he just refuses. And now his big sister is starting in on him and telling him to just suck it up and call his mom, that she will never change. Oh and btw--this is a mom that when one of her other sons was dealing with alcoholism refused to rid the house of all booze and to this day has a drink in the floor at 9 am while nine of her grands are around.
My problem is that I really am the type that wants everyone to get along, but I am to my wits end over this. I really hate to think of something happening to his mom and him not being on speaking terms with her. He has been through this once already with his dad (another long story altogether - i could actually write a book on his family). And it really bothers me that my DH feels so abandoned by his mom. He actually wrote a letter to my parents without my knowledge telling them thank you for everything they had done for us and that they were more of a family to him than his own. That makes me sad for him, but glad on the other hand that I do have parents that will treat him like their own. And I hate this for our kids. On the one hand I really don't want to keep them from their memaw and papa, but on the other hand I don't want them to feel the rejection when she doesn't make an effort to be close to them.
Should we stand our ground or should we give in like we always have and then have to deal with it again after the holidays when her "family" time is over?
Sorry this was so long, and sorry that it seems like I am just rambling, I just really needed to get it all out to people that aren't involved in the whole situation.

[spring]

Wow! What a big issue to deal with. My view is that it is your husband's decision to make in the long run. He has been virtually rejected by his own mother, and that is hard to resolve no matter how you view it. Blood is definitely not thicker than water as far as I'm concerned.

It sounds like he has just decided that he does not want to continue with all the pain and rejection, and honestly, I can't blame him.

The most important thing is to protect your children from being hurt. If this means cutting out this grandmother from their lives while this behavior continues, then so be it. Perhaps she'll appreciate what she had once she loses it.

I am just so sorry you have to deal with this right now. You sound like a loving, caring person. Just remember, you can't exorcise the demons from everyone. They have to want to change.

[ItsmeSunnyV]

[lanny76]

Originally Posted by spring

Wow! What a big issue to deal with. My view is that it is your husband's decision to make in the long run. He has been virtually rejected by his own mother, and that is hard to resolve no matter how you view it. Blood is definitely not thicker than water as far as I'm concerned.

It sounds like he has just decided that he does not want to continue with all the pain and rejection, and honestly, I can't blame him.

The most important thing is to protect your children from being hurt. If this means cutting out this grandmother from their lives while this behavior continues, then so be it. Perhaps she'll appreciate what she had once she loses it.

I am just so sorry you have to deal with this right now. You sound like a loving, caring person. Just remember, you can't exorcise the demons from everyone. They have to want to change.

Amen to that! But indeed what a headachy, heartachy thing to have to deal with for all of you.

[Blessing and Miracle]

Liz,

I'm sorry to hear about this, especially when you are such a loving and wonderful person. I would definitely let my husband make his own decision about his mother. I would just offer a listening ear when and if he wants to discuss the situation. From my own experience I do know that prayer works! There is nothing or no one to hard for God to change!!

[coastalgirl]

Liz, so sorry to hear about that. I can semi understand how your dh feels. I don't speak to my mother. Only when I have to. The last time we spoke she called to ask me where HER oldest son was buried.
This is something that only he can figure out. I know how hard it can be on the kids. My mother does not come around for holidays or birthdays either. But thinks we should all drop and run for her. Good luck and please don't let this be a burden you carry.

[gpp2001]

Liz,
My DH called me from his cell phone in April (He was meeting a friend for lunch) and asked me "Do you think she knows how much I hate detest my mother?" (She is DD.) I responded "No, because I didn't know that you hated your mother."

After that I just gave up trying to include her and get him to call her. He wasn't raised by her and every time he went over to her house he had to clean because it was dirty. It is all on his terms now - she came over on Christmas Day - didn't bring a gift for anyone but DH bought her a $200 GC to a local store. It's what he wants. It's all on his terms. I'm just looking forward to moving away because then we won't have to deal with her anymore. She just annoys him

[gpp2001]

It's not easy having a family member that you don't get along with but just go with the flow and it will be okay. It's hard for the kids but they'll be okay. And so will you- just accept her for who she is and get past it.

Karn

[jakeandsophiesmom]

Thanks everyone for your kind words and encouragement. Today was the Christmas day at the in laws and we decided not to attend this year. Hubby wanted to make his stance very clear that he is not backing down this time. Only two of mil's five kids went and those two siblings aren't very happy with the rest of us at the moment. But the way I see it, I made a vow to my DH when I married him to stand by him throughout anything and I will be by his side regardless of what they think. Being the way I am though, it really just breaks my heart that it has all come to this.

[~Kathie]

It's going to be a tough road. Good that you and DH stick together, better for YOUR family. Best wishes and prayers for all of you.